Friend : I feel very troubled. He is always in my mind 24 hrs a day. I thought of him every moment, during eating, walking, working and even during my sleep I frequently dream of him.
Me : So you love him?
Friend : I think I do. Yeah I do love him.
Me : Why don't you tell him? Tell him how you feel about him.
Friend : I don't even want to go there. It is really complicated. Please don't ask me why. Just take it that telling him is the last option or rather it is not an option at all.
Me : Ok I shall not ask further then. But I just want you know that you do not love him. You merely desire him.
Friend : Is there a difference? All I know is that I want him. I want to be by his side and care for him.
Me : Of course there is a huge difference. When you are in love, you put his priorities over yours. Everything you do, revolve around him. Just like planet Earth revolves around the Sun. And yes, you don't seem to get enough of him. You miss him easily and you always try to be close to him as much as possible.
Friend : That's what I do. Yeah this is exactly how I am feeling right now at this very moment. Have you experienced it before?
Me : Of course I have. I am made of flesh and blood. But the ultimate testament to whether you really love him is that you do the above with goodwill. You do a lot for him but you do not hope for any returns. You do it out of a sincere wish that he will be happy. And you take pleasure that whatever you have done brought him joy.
On the contrary, if you are merely desiring him, then whatever you did, you expect some kind of returns. You feel let down if he never reciprocate your actions. You feel jealous whenever he is with some other people and not you. If you go down this path, you will have to mend your broken heart sooner or later.
Friend : Whatever you have just said are so philosophical. Everyone knows that love is selfish.
Me : My friend, you may not understand it now. But do spend some time to think about it. Whatever I have said is very much pragmatic and practical. Only those who have not loved before would say that love is selfish. It is not. I can testify to that.
Don't get me wrong. I am not saying desire is bad. A relationship without desire is a relationship without passion and it won't last either. All I am saying is, just like cooking, desire is only one of the many flavouring that you add to make your dish taste better. You have to use it skillfully or else your dish may just turn out to be disaster. Desire without love is not real. Just like masturbation, you will feel empty after the climax.
Friend : What should I do now?
Me : Learn to cook. Learn how to apply your flavouring skillfully. Control and balance your desire. To do that, ultimately you have to ask yourself, do you really love him?
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