The Shape of Life - CIRCLE

The recent new year celebration was a special one for me. This was so as it was the last new year celebration before I step squarely into my thirties. Therefore, apart from enjoying myself with friends during that period, spending some time in contemplation of my past 30 years was well justified.

Walking down the memory lane, it is indeed fortunate that my recollection of the past is filled with a great number of ups but safe to say also a corresponding no of downs. There was a time that I rode on with vigor, at the helm of self-satisfaction (ooohh the lights from heaven must have shone on me then) but there was also a time that I slothed and the feeling of apathy took over me to the extent that I lived life like a street mouse.

The constant ups and downs then, resembled a vicious cycle that could probably cause a person lethargic and subsequently become disinterest in life. Indeed, too numerous time, while I was basking myself in joy, sorrow crept silently behind my back and took me by surprise. On the other hand, while tormented by distress, the light of hope always lingered behind the veil of darkness. When distress finally had had enough of me, the light of joy again shone forth. Darkness retreated. Too many times the process repeated by itself, reinforcing the impermanence of joy as well as pain.

A recent visit to Batu Caves, it brought back an old teaching of Hinduism that a Hindu saddhu shared with me, that life is just like a drama. The nature of life is no different from the TV program you watch every night. Such a statement was incomprehensible to me back then. But gradually it is making sense. Hell lots of sense.

Be it joy or pain, it arises due to external phenomena which is not certainly controllable by us. Therefore we are mainly actors. We act out in accordance to the whim and fancy of the director. And who is the director? - The Reality / The Nature / The Unnamed. For instance, I was in cloud 9 when I was rewarded with a 6 months bonus 2 yrs ago. While putting in effort had a certain contribution towards the realization of this event, the ultimate deciding factor is beyond my control i.e. my boss then. Therefore, joy or pain is just our emotion in response to the external events that permeate our senses. Joy or pain does not exist by themselves. They do not have nature of their own, their existence depends on our responses to the external events. And our responses are determined by our experiences. Ultimately our experiences are influenced by our wisdom.

Therefore, isn't it time to understand the great mother nature by seeing things as they are, by seeing joy or pain as they are - merely emotion, which do not have any permanent nature? Here it comes, there it goes. It comes uninvited, it goes unprompted.

Only then we can put away our actors' role and break the vicious cycle - the circle of life.

When nature calls...

Waking up especially early today, I sat by the lakeside behind my condo, waiting for my lawyer to turn up so that we can complete the strata title transfer document. Turn up, she did. In fact, we completed the whole formality in a jiffy, no more than 10 minutes to be exact.

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The lawyer is very much of my age if not few years younger. As she was handling my documentation, she filled me in with her golf adventures with the top guns of few developers and her karaoke sessions with well-known bankers. However, in few occasions throughout the conversation, she never failed to slip in few words of complaint about how busy her schedule is. Amidst the professional tone that most of the lawyers employed whenever they carry out their duties, I heard a faint trail of frustration in her voice.

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Without battling an eyelid, I asked her then why would she subject herself to such torment. She basically has a choice. Everyone does. She shrugged her shoulders and casually replied, "Just like everyone else, I strive for the money".

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I am convinced that everyone of us has a calling. Indeed, we have been called numerous times ever since we were toddler. The calling I mean here is the mode of reaching out from our higher consciousness to our day to day consciousness. It is supposed to be the guidance from our higher self so that we can sail through our lives effortlessly. Claiming such mechanism to be embedded in our pyschological sphere, should not be that outrageous given that as proven by science, homosapiens are capable to evolve for self-defense purposes. Unfortunately, we are always clouded with mundane worries and let such calling pass us by. Indeed, few of us have the sufficient courage or confidence to answer the calling. Most of the time we are so busy strategizing our career advancements or even some get rich plans, that we rather bury the calling deep inside our heart and never let it resurface ever again. While also at times, we are so blinded by the sense of security that we even hate the sound of such calling.

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Just like the young lawyer that I met today, we do not differ from her much. We are so willing to let ourselves be guided by illusion of wealth, fame and status but we shun the calling that we so yearn to follow. Even though we know such calling promises us happiness and satisfaction in the end, the prominence of insecurity just puts everyone off.

Towards the end, while she hastily made her move for her other appointments lining up to the late evening, I solemnly chose to remain by the lakeside and let myself be bathed in the morning sun. So what will you choose?

If you were to stretch out your hand and try to catch hold of time, you will find that it seeps through your fingers effortlessly

It has already been some time since the last time I posted here, being busy with my renewed hobby, which is photography. Much time has been spent on roaming the KL streets and exploring some unknown territories, just to find an interesting object to shoot. Indeed, these few days, I get to know KL deeper than what I have already known for the past 10 yrs. Hence, for the first time I appreciate KL as it is.

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Of course for most photography enthusiasts, Putrajaya occupies at least the top 3 positions in their "must shoot scene" list. I am of no different. The only difference is beyond the majestic buildings, grand bridges and serene man-made lakes, Putrajaya is also a place, which is very dear to me. Back in 1997, when the economic crisis triggered by currency speculation hit hard at Malaysia, I was already enrolled in Inti College Malaysia under their 2+1 UK accounting degree program, which required me to spend at least 1 year in a Scottish university to complete my degree. But everything changed with a blink of an eye, when my father's business almost gone under. Though that period seemed so distanced now, it was still a tough period to go through. In the end, I completed my degree locally, which I have no qualms.

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Nevertheless, things took a sudden change again, when my father was awarded with a contract to transport more than 50% of the lamp posts to be installed in Putrajaya. That contract alone revived my father's business and also entitled me to spend a year in UK for my master degree. Therefore, it is not unusual that I occasionally visit and pay homage to Putrajaya, as an appreciation for giving me the opportunity to see the world.

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Nevertheless, taking Putrajaya's pictures today made me reminisce the past, it didn't help at all with the rainy weather and gloomy sky, which accentuated the woeful feelings in me. While everyday I make plans for the short-term, I have forgotten the long journey that I have paced all these years. It was neither a smooth journey nor a turbulent one but it is quite a memoir, nonetheless. Even challenges back then have lost their grief and gradually become my cherished memories, what more those sweet experiences that I manage to pick up along those years. Looking back, indeed, the space in my memory as hard disk, has gradually diminished day by day, while its content increases. I guess it is the sign of ageing, when your heart is bogged down with so much memories that you yearn to play back. However, past is past. To live the past once again, is utterly impossible.

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I once heard, life is like rollercoaster, the uphill is just like our adolescence years, when we keep pressing the accelerator. While downhill is like our midage and thereafter, when we keep applying the brake, only to find that the brake fails us. The profound meaning of this saying bit me hard today, after all, we always leave a part of us in the past.

One Litre of Tears

As the name suggests, anyone who watches this Japanese TV series, is more likely than not to cry at least a litre of tears. I belong to the minority as I have just cried half a litre when I watched this series.

The series is based on a true story set in Japan. It is about a girl called Aya Kitou, who was diagnosed with a certain brain disorder, which is too complex for me to name. Anyway, this brain disorder is not only incurable but also has a reputation to make its patients to die in the most cruel way ever discovered. As the starter, the patients will lost control of their limbs. They lose their ability to walk or move around. Their body parts become so uncontrollable that to write or type on keyboard is almost like to move a mountain. Then, move in the main course, the patients will slur in their speech and subsequently lose their ability to talk. Next, as the ultimatum, the patients will become close to paralyse until death take them in. During the whole process, they never lose their consciousness or their ability to think. Therefore it is like withnessing their own bodies whittling away.

Aya Kitou was so special that despite her disability she was determined to contribute in her own way to the society or to the people around her. For a disabled person, only the act of contributing can give them a sense of wellness and a feel of completeness. Because of this, Aya Kitou being not bothered by her disability, insisted and persisted to write her diary. She started off to write her diary as an avenue for her to express her suffering in the exact own words that she chose. Gradually she realized that her diary could become a source of motivation for other patients who suffered the similar fate. Knowing the potential of helping thousands if not millions of people through her diary, she unselfishly continued to write to the point she could no longer hold a pen.

Over the years, despite not translated to English, her diary has already sold more than a million of copies. And this TV series is inspired by her diary. For those who always complain about the nitty gritty of life, try to watch this. It may change your whole paradigm.

After finishing the series, I just have this to say, according to Mother Theresa, we should see God in everyone. Unfortunately because of our deluded mind, we don't. Therefore whenever God wants to talk and reach out to us, he chooses his representative on Earth. In this case, he has chosen Aya Kitou and through her, God spreads the message of love.

The Unnatural Love Story (Part 1)

As the first stream of sunlight bleached the velvet dark sky. I witnessed the lonely darkness, which had been accompanying me since the previous night, gradually retreating and gave way to the luminious morning sun.

rtttttttt

Lying on my bed, I patiently waited sleep to engulf me once more like a mum embracing her child, but it never came. Indeed, sleep has deserted me ever since you left. Its occasional visit delighted me once in a while, but its often absence tormented me deeply. As I stared deep into the only picture we have taken together, I was enthralled by your beauty. Despite you have been long gone, the effect you had on me had never once diminished.

ewrrrrrrrrr

Unconciously, my mind journeyed to the day you told me of your fatal disease. "Come on, stop pulling my leg! This is not funny, ok?" I said with a slight impatience. At that moment, tears strolled down your cheeks. It didn't take long before your words alternated with sobs. How I wished then I could fling my arms around you and keep you safe in my embrace? But God forbade.

tryrtyrt

Suddenly, back in my room, my hands felt chilly cold. They trembled slightly before an uncontrollable violent shake took over. Breathing became heavy, followed by a sharp pain in my heart. Clenching a fistful of my duvet cover, warm tears oozed out from my overdried reservior. As my heart thumbing harder, every ounce of my energy was drained out from my body, leaving me weak and feeble like an overgrown stalk. Despite going through this ritual almost every night since you were gone, the familiarity did not make it any easier for me. In fact, the heart ache that always followed after a poignant reminiscence of you, filled up the void in me, whenever I was devoid of you.

sdfsfsafsa

- to be continued -

Being Analytical or Critical?

Today I was impressed with a question posed by my colleague. She asked me how analytical I am. This is a very good question, which I have no answer to that. But that triggered me to write out how my thinking process works. Therefore I started this post.

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Consider the following statement - Smokers have at least 3x the chance of getting cancer. While, drinkers have only 2x the chance of getting cancer.

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What can you comment about the statement above? Come on! Be creative! Take a pen and a piece of paper and write down what come across your mind.

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Here I go. I believe most smartalecs wannabe, would straightaway ask the questions - how large is your sample size? Is it representative of the population? Did you sample everyone and anyone? How significant is 2x? The list goes on.......

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Though, these are very valid questions, they are merely scratching the surface. Think deeper and longer, there are many other dimensions to the statement, which I stumble upon. Hereby I categorize as below:

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The Black Hole Effect

The black hole effect is termed by me but there are people who call it the salience effect. Let's say 1 out of 100 healthy normal being contract cancer. So the probability of a normal person contracting cancer is 1%. The probability for smokers is 3x more, so 3%. While the probability for drinkers is 2%. Let's say there are 100,000 smokers and 200,000 drinkers. In absolute no, only 2000 people got cancer due to smoking, while there is 3000 people who got cancer due to drinking! Which is more damaging now?

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The Time Trap

This is my favourite. Just love to use this to make some smartalecs shut up! Now, how long is the observation period? Let's say the survey only observe people who have been smoking or drinking for 20 yrs. Then the question is, what will be happen in 30 yrs!?! 40 yrs!?! 50 yrs!?! The conclusion maybe different.

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The Causal Relationship

The statements above cannot affirm that smoking or drinking causes cancer. It can't prove there is a causal relationship. Maybe there is a 3rd element that cause beings to contract cancer and beings contracted cancer are more likely to smoke or drink. If I want to go up to the top, I can even bullshit that this 3rd element will make people smoke and drink 20 / 30 / 50 yrs before the 1st symptom of cancer surfaces. Can you prove me wrong? If this cannot be proven wrong, then there is no conclusion that can be drawn.

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Anyway, there are more examples I can put up. But the more I write, the more I feel these are nothing but thrashes. Why thrashes? What I have done above, while I still hold that they are valid considerations, they are largely ineffective. I am a fan of quantum physics now (I mean the application part. Not the calculation!!!). Researchers of the 21st century, based on quantum physics, have come out with a new field of study called the Science of Oneness. To put it simply, scientist / researchers / philopshopers have one thing in common. They are in pursuance of ultimate knowledge albeit different method. As claimed by these researchers, Science of Oneness is the ultimate knowledge. Indeed, the Science of Oneness is the hallmark, where science and philosophy converges. What the Science of Oneness says is that, for facts or incidents or phenomena to exist, they are a lot of conditions to fulfil, the fulfillment of these conditions also depends on the 2nd set of underlying conditions, so on and so forth. If it is not mind boggling enough, according to these researchers, these conditions that shape the facts or phenomena are INTERDEPENDENT or INTERCONNECTED. That's why it is called the Science of Oneness. You will be surprised, this is the essence of Buddhism. In Buddhism, it is known as Dependent Arising, (in sanskrit ~ pratityasamupada). You will also be surprised, this is also the essence of Tao Te Ching.

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So, what I did above is just playing with the conditions i.e. given these conditions, this is true but given that conditions, this is not true etc etc. It is really nothing great. In fact it can be harmful and ineffective at times. For example, if you are presented some data finding, and you apply The Causal Relationship to question the validity of the data. What good does it make? You can't really articulate or negate the effect of causal relationship. The Science of Oneness says that all conditions are interdependent but they can't prove how it is dependent. Therefore, what you can get out of it, is basically making the presenter annoyed.

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However, such thinking process can also be helpful at times. Most people call such thinking process as critical thinking. Why critical thinking? It is named so because behaviorists believe that beings always think on a default mode. When they think on the default mode, they hit a lot of blind spots, some of those I mentioned above. Therefore, behaviorists claim that we have to think critically if we want to be effective. I readily agreed to that.

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At this juncture, you probably want to say I am fickled-minded. Sometimes I said being critical is useless but other times I agreed being critical is helpful. Well, again as taught by the Science of Oneness, every fact or phenomenon existence depends on a varieties of conditions. You can't practice generalization. It is useless when it is used on certain basis and it is helpful when it is used on another basis. As a conclusion, if our intention of being critical is just to show that we know a lot, then we are degrading critical thinking. It becomes useless because it has the aptitude of making the people beating around the bush without a final agreed action. However, it becomes a good tool if our intention of being critical is to be aware of the unknown and make our decisions conciously based on that.

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Therefore, to conclude being critical or analytical is not equivalent to being smart or intelligent. Being smart or intelligent is to be aware when to be critical or analytical, therefore yield the effectiveness of critical or analytical thinking. So the next time before opening your mouth to be smartalecs, better ask yourself what you are going to say whether is going to help or not.

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The above is written without any cross-reference and only based on my two pence worth of thoughts. Therefore, my understanding on certain topic may not be proficient enough. Thus, do read with caution. If any of the topics, arouse your interest, I will be glad to provide you some recommended readings.

Private vs Public

One of my friends, who I have invited to read this blog, asked me today why didn't I set my blog as public. She complained that it is really troublesome for her to search my invitation email, everytime she intends to read my blog as she is not bothered to register as a member.

Well, I have this to say. I don't really think there is any difference for me to set my blog as private or public. My postings are just not good enough to attract the masses to read. (very seldom see me so humble, eh?) Whether I set in private or public, I don't foresee there will be much people recurring to read it. Therefore I blog mainly to express myself. If that being the case, I rather keep it private, for then I can blog on something ....hmmm...something personal.